Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle

Every other week, we'll be delivering fresh relating tips. Let these quick ideas inspire you to create your ideal relationship! Find smart tips in these three categories:

Want to know if a guy's getting serious about you? Learn 4 clues that are dead give aways that he's totally hooked on you, pg 54

Find out what's standing between you and your soulmate. Join us for my Soulmate or Stalemate: 9 Keys to Finding Your Perfect Partner workshop at Colorado Free University's DTC location next monday, June 11th.
Learn more or enroll here: http://www.freeu.com/classes/4913.html

It’s that time of year again: wedding bells in the air. And if you’re single, you may be wishing it was you walking down the aisle. You’re probably sick of being asked, “So have you found the lucky man yet?” And attending one more friend’s wedding may make you nauseous.

So- why isn’t it you looking stunning in that wedding gown this June? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the reason is most likely YOU! You see, many women’s trip to the altar gets delayed by poor decision making. By choosing to spend many years pursuing relationships with the wrong men, lots of women waste precious time that they could have used to find Mr. Right. And lo and behold- there go your twenties, your thirties…

So what’s a perpetual bridesmaid to do? Take stock of your relationship history and get a very clear picture of your dating patterns. By recognizing the type of guy you typically fall for but with whom it never works out, you can create a new dating plan to steer you away from making the same old mistakes.

What should you look for? Review all of your significant dating partners and make a list of three things. First take note of their personality characteristics and behaviors. This includes traditional qualities, such as responsible, honest, or lazy, as well as typical behaviors such as “always late”, “was an evil flirt,” or “often brought me flowers.” Then recall the emotions you frequently experienced during the relationship. Were you often confused, hurt, and angry or did you often feel cherished, respected, and appreciated? Make a list of all of the positive and negative emotions that you commonly felt. Lastly, examine the roles you and your partner often adopted. Do you tend to take on the caretaker, overachiever, or parent roles? Maybe one of you tended to be more dominant and the other more submissive.

Once you have your lists, carefully review them, looking for patterns across partners. Most people will find one or two types of partners that they are often attracted to. Or maybe your type has changed over the years. For example, many people flip flop between emotionally unavailable partners and loving ones who just aren’t their equal in some way. Or maybe you were attracted to the bad boy type in your twenties and now you select successful businessmen- trouble is- both types were emotionally standoffish.

Action Step: Now that you have a clearer idea of your type or pattern, you can be on the lookout for these problematic traits, emotions, and roles as you are dating. When they pop up- don’t ignore them! Collect more data about that potential partner before falling madly in love. And better yet- try dating different types of partners that you typically aren’t attracted to and see what you learn about yourself. By recognizing the habits that haven’t worked in the past, you’ll be able to identify problem partners sooner, which means you can keep looking until you find the right mate! The less time you spend in the wrong relationships, the sooner you’ll be saying “I do.”

Relation Tip: Ready to be the bride? Join us for the Soulmate workshop next week and uncover the habits that are keeping you stuck in bridesmaid status so you can develop new patterns to attract your perfect partner. Learn more or enroll here: http://www.freeu.com/classes/4913.html

Many women (and some men) put their partners in a real bind without even realizing it. When you got married and took your vows (or even if you aren't married)- you agreed to be each other's sole sexual partner for life. That means that your partner can have sex with you and only you. So what happens if your interest in sex wanes and your response to his advances is almost always no? What's a guy to do? He's got no ethical choice. But he does have needs.

Unfortunately, this scenario sends many a man into the bed of another woman...obviously not a great choice, and never truly justifiable....but still- you did promise to met his needs till death do us part. Is it justifiable for you to just stop paying attention to his needs? (Well and of course, he is supposed to be meeting yours too!)

Passion Perks Challenge: Sometimes we have to remember that when we signed on for an exclusive relationship- we promised to meet each other's needs. For better or for worse. Are you being fair in upholding your end of the bargain? Is your partner? What needs to change?

Relation Tip: Many women aren't in the mood because they feel distant or angry with their partners. If there are specific reasons why you are never in the mood which relate to your partner's behavior- it's your responsibility to be open and honest with him and request the changes that you need so that you can get your love life back on track. Your partner will be grateful to hear what he can do that will help you feel romantic again.

Passion is important to the continued vitality of your relationship! That's why Dr. Jenn is available to come to your group (business, church, organization) to give a talk on keeping the passion alive. Email for more info.

How often do you set aside time to have fun with your spouse? Do you have activities that you do together that you both find enjoyable? Or do you go your separate ways, with individual hobbies, in your free time?

If you answered yes to the last question, you could be putting your relationship at risk. Love is sustained through having enjoyable experiences together. In other words, our connection is strengthened through regular bouts of recreational companionship. But many of us fall prey to pursuing our own interests in our free time. While that might be ok to a small degree, if you are having lots of fun away from your mate- you are robbing your relationship of a key ingredient for success- and creating happy memories that don't include your mate!

If we had all the free time in the world, this wouldn't be an issue. But most of us have precious little time available to have fun and if we squander it away from our partners, then we fail to make important deposits into our bank account of love. This doesn't mean you have to give up a favorite lifetime pursuit if your identity depends on it, but it does mean that you should pay careful attention to the amount of time you devout to such individual activities and find ways to include your partner or give your partner equal time.

Action Step: You should be investing your fun time together. Work hard to identity activities that you can both enjoy...you may need to do some experimenting. And if either of you have passions you typically do on your own- see if there are enjoyable ways to include your partner.

Relation Tip: Don't give up what makes you- you- but find ways to include as many mutually enjoyable activities as possible. If you want love that lasts a lifetime, your love depends on it!

Diana Price-Fish Cancer Foundation Presents:
Late Night
Saturday, June 9
8:00-Until…

At The Tavern- Lowry
Featuring a Live Performance by Denver’s Own: Opie Gone Bad
Concert starts at 9:00 PM at The Soiled Dove (directly under The Tavern Lowry)

7401 E. 1st Avenue, Denver, CO, 303-366-0007
Your $20.00 donation includes appetizers and a ticket to see Opie Gone Bad. All proceeds benefit our work with adult cancer patients and their families, helping them enjoy life!
More info: http://www.dpfcf.org/pages/home.html
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Thursday June 14th, from 5:30 to 9:45,
at the Glenmoor Country Club (singles 38 & over).

The summer party dates are:
Thursdays, June 14, July 12, August 9, and September 13th
$20.00 at the door (cash,check) includes dancing, hors d' oeuvres, mixer game, networking table, door prizes, free parking (car pooling a plus) and the beautiful indoor/outdoor venue for the summer! Dress is business/dressy with a coat OR a tie required for the gentlemen. No jeans are allowed at the Club, thanks! The cash bar is $5.00 for well or wine.

Hosted by Marty Pickert. Call 303-649-9125 for more information, or email martypickert@aol.com. www.martypickert.com

An online resource guide for Colorado Singles!Includes an event calendar (you can also sign up to receive it via email), referrals for area singles services, and tip of the week. Brought to you by Beth Anderson, of Cotton Wood Connection.

Singlocity will also be printing a hard cover version of their resources! Know any good businesses that serve singles that should be listed? Or maybe even your own business!? Contact Beth for more info: email

Coupling Connection is launching exciting new programs for engaged couples, couples expecting their first child, and couples with children! Stay tuned for more info!

* Have you tried a tip or tool from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want to hear about it!? Let us know what your experience was like. Did it improve your connection? Or no? Email us! *

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